I woke early this morning, about 2:47 a.m. to be exact.
Pregnancy brings many things for which I am both grateful and and not grateful for. The blessings by far out weigh the challenges, and I know compared to most, I have nothing to really complain about. My challenges are a few months of feeling sick (I don’t even actually get sick…just feel sick…I am so thankful I don’t have to endure months of illness or bouts hospitalization for the blessing of a baby), even more months of getting big, and a handful of months full of a very wacky sleep schedule. I usually spend the last trimester waking early (my body has this internal alarm clock of 4 a.m.) and am blessed to have a few hours every morning to myself.
So this morning I found myself awake. Again. I started out alone, but was soon joined for a few moments by my sweet almost 2 year old….Mia. She was only awake enough to request the comfort of my arms, which I was happy to offer. We sat in the loft. I quietly rocked her to the sqeek of the computer chair and gently ran my fingers through her unruly curls that had been styled by a few tosses and turns in bed. Life has been busy. It is for all of us. But this morning I felt it even more. As I enjoyed a few minutes holding my little one, I looked into some old folders on the computer full of images of my girls from the last 2 1/2 years. I can not believe the theft of time…my babies…they looked so little and young only a few years ago. Somehow I was comforted by the warm salty tears that made their way down my cheeks and dropped on Mia’s head while she snored quielty in my arms. As much as it kinda aches, I love the feelings that fill me tonight.
Appreciation. Sadness. Joy. Humility. Laughter. Love. even a little Regret (life just moves too fast).
I do not think that as a young Mother, I will ever really understand how very short the time really is with my young children. I fully expect that once my children are grown, only then I will realize how truly very fast it all flew by. BUT…how thankful I am for the reminders (the blessings of the insomnia that give me the quiet of the morning to absorb life even just for a few hours) of what a blessing each passage of our life is. It seems I have been feeling the stress of it all lately. Whenever I seem to ask for help and opportunities to manage my girls better, I always get slammed with a few really crazy days. Nothing like getting what you ask for… and the answer I keep coming up with is…to just keep looking for the positive…it is truly a fleeting moment of my life…
I have been feeling down these past days about the tantrums, whining, and just work required at times. But this morning the clarity is so crisp. I can feel the weight of the millions of distractions drop to the floor and bounce away and somehow all I see is my sweet kiddos. I can almost hear the giggles, the sweet little voices, the song in the way they say my name. I can remember what it felt like to sing Ella to sleep when she was barely a year old, while feeling Ava kick in my preggo tummy. I see mia’s chubby little legs as she crawls across the carpet in her little leg warmers. I see the smiles as first rides on merry-go-rounds are taken…how cute they are all covered in sand at the beach…how beautiful and fresh they are when they are first born. I can hear their newborn cries…their first words…and their silly questions and commentaries (o’ my ava girl is a brilliant one at times). They somehow play in my mind like an old silent projector film. Only there is no silence in the quiet of it all. I can hear it all so clearly. My memories. My children. My love. Memories opulent…always to remain my greatest possessions. These are my life’s jewels.
It is 4:48 a.m. now. I feel the little guy kicking strong.
We call him Adam.
Jason claimed the name when he was like 12, so I knew if I was blessed with a Son one day, Adam would be the boy I would love and watch over. I feel so blessed to know another person will join our family soon in the next few months. I have made my tall order for a dimple chin like Ella’s, eyes big and bright like Ava’s, and lips sweet and full like Mia’s. I am sure he will come with his own look and for that we are all anxious to meet him. For now, I will continue to relish in the silence of the morning and look forward to another day as Mommy.
wishing everyone a beautiful day …
love and squeeze and appreciate your little ones…
xoxo
Tonya
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